Please Help, If You Can (But You Can't)

As this semester draws to a close and my wonderful adventures abroad become fewer in number, I see that things for me are only becoming increasingly hectic. In all of this, I can only say that I feel completely alone. Sure I have people who say that they care about me and want to listen or help me, but the things I deal with are too heavy for them. If you have been following my posts, then you know my girlfriend, is the light of my life. If you've also been keeping up on my YouTube channel, then you might have realized that my latest song was about her. Well, in the last month the light of my life decided that there was too much pressure to love someone with depression and all of the other fucked up shit wrong with me. I mean who can blame her, but that didn't make it any less devastating. It didn't make it hurt any less. It didn't make me cry any less.

Within a month, I have been broken up with, I have given my blessing for her to move on, tried a new relationship, been broken up with again, and tried the relationship again. At this current state, I am not fully sure how I feel. However, I can say this: I am hurting. I am hurting so badly that I can breathe. My heart is so trampled, I don't even think I can call it a heart any more. I have to scoop up the puddle in hand fulls. I can never offer it to anyone again because there's nothing left to give.

I was told that I was too high-strung and that I was everything about my ex-girlfriend's old self that she wanted to leave behind. I'm not high-strung, I'm obsessive compulsive. Yet I don't think anyone will ever fully understand me. No one gets that I do not want to be this way as much as, if not more than, they don't want me to be this way. I tried to explain this to a mutual friend in a few very long Facebook messages. Needless to say I think his lack of response says he is sick of my shit. I poured the last of what is left of my heart in those messages because that is going to be the last time I ever let anyone get to know me or get close to me. They read as follows:

• "I am obsessive. Not high strung like [Insert ex's name] says. I'm obsessive compulsive. I've always known this and in recent times I've found myself trying to ' fix ' it so that I will be accepted. I answer messages as soon as I get them, I call until I get an answer, and I panic if I don't get an answer. I have acute anxiety, clinical depression, and an eating disorder. ALL of these things make up who I am. They are part of the reason I do everything I do. I don't always want to do certain things, but honestly most of the time I can't help it. These things all battle with each other. OCD usually wins out, thus the calling and messaging. But then anxiety and depression make up the content of what is say within the calls and messaging. The ed is how I cope afterwards. What I realized today in the library, was that no one actually accepts me for who I am and I can understand why. It's too much to handle. But what's a problem for me is that in order to be accepted, I've been trying force myself to be normal as fast as possible. I'm trying to fix everything at once. I want explicit directions on what to do to fix myself. But I also want to be comfortable with the methods. Trying to do this is only making me worse. I feel like I'm being forced to choose between wanting to be loved and slowly working on fixing myself. But if I choose one, is I will inevitably lose the other. And I freak out and just get worse. So as I was looking at all of the self help books for my various issues, my ed was triggered. That was when I knew I needed to walk away.
• What I'm saying is, I need for someone to understand that I cannot possibly fix everything wrong with me in the time they want me to. I need someone to not yell at me for things I can't fully control. I need someone to recognize when I have small victories in my healing. I need someone to not take it personal when I take things personal. I know it's alot to ask, but part of my abandonment issues stems from my thinking that I can't be loved because I can't get well fast enough.
• I really am trying.

  I'm pretty screwed up. I'm not attacking because I want to hurt anyone. I'm just trying to protect myself...
• So, my saying that I'll stop bothering you two means I'm only gonna focus on one or two of my problems, because I can't get to them all right now. That means you guys can't yell at me about the others. I can't handle being told that I'm not doing enough, when it feels like I'm doing too much. I will actively work on the obsessive calling and messaging and the depression. But that's it. Everything else I'll try to work on if it seems like it's been floating on the surface for too long."

This is me explaining, or trying to, how I am and why it's not so easy to just fix everything wrong with all at once, all in a few weeks. But I got no where. I just feel that if being myself deems me unlovable, because there's too much pressure, then I won't be myself. I don't see it becoming possible for any other person to be able to bear the weight that is me. I want to shut it all off. I want to be numb and not care so much, I know that's not me and never has been. However, from a young age I have always been an actress and so I think I can fake it, if I really commit. I believe it's called "method acting". I can do that. I want love just as much as everyone else and it's not fair for me to be automatically excluded just because it's a little difficult to love me. Because of things I can't control, it's not fair.

I don't want friends and family to feel like they have to watch what they say or walk on eggshells around me for fear of sending me over the edge. What they don't know is I was over a long time ago. A part of me, the last bit of light in me, went out ten years ago. I have just been moving along, becoming increasingly emaciated, increasingly numb... Soon I'll be nothing more than a ghost. What's left is a shell made up of my illnesses. When my ex came into my life she brought with her such light that after having not seeing such a thing in so long, it was like the starving finding bread. I latched on and sucked it away, until she could barely escape with but a little for herself. I am sincerely sorry for that.

I know many of you, if you're still with me, think well this is just life. Life is hard, you have to keep going etc... Well take your life difficulties and multiply by a thousand. That's life with mental illness. Honestly, right now, I am just searching for a reason to continue living. All of the reasons I come up with never seem good enough or worth it. I've deeply hurt the only person that actually attempted to understand and love me. Schooling also is not going well and it's not for my lack of effort. My family's solution to these types of things, is to get rid f you by locking you away somewhere. So I ask myself what's the point? 'Is it really worth continuing to hurt people that love you because they say they'd be even more hurt if you were gone?' I'm not really sure. I do not know what to do except to retreat into myself and become hollow.

Again, I feel alone, despite those around me. I'm trying to let myself be loved, but I don't feel worth it. I feel like I'm making their lives more difficult despite their protests that it'snecessarily not the case. They only want me to 'relax' and the heaven lords know I wish it were that simple. I really do. The only thing I can see myself doing everyday is crying. I haven't self harmed in seven years, but that coping method looks very appealing right now. Though I won't attempt suicide anymore, I still feel it would be better if I just died. Everyone would be better off, even if they won't be happier. Eventually they'd forget about me. I want them to. For now, I will try to be a ball of utter happiness and optimism, though I am already dead inside. I am, after all, an actress.