Why Can't We Be Friends?

So, one struggle that I think everyone comes across at least once in their life, is trying to control their temper. I know, speaking for myself that this is not an easy task. I also think that once you get into a relationship, it becomes even more difficult, especially when the fight is over something so insignificant as a cookie...

That's right, folks. I got upset with my girlfriend over a cookie. Part of the reason is because I'm a fatass and she started eating the cookie without me (not in a dirty sense of the word cookie); part of it is because she seemed impatient and unwilling to share it with me, in the way I thought we were going to share it-even after she already ate a whole corner before we settled on a place to sit; and part of it is because she didn't seem to care about my perspective on her cookie eating.

Okay, so it sounds like I'm completely blaming her for eating a cookie, but guys I thought we would share that moment of bliss when we would both take that first bite, while gazing lovingly into each others' eyes and make the decision as to whether this campus cafe cookie was worth its overpricing. *_*

But that didn't happen because she took the liberty of eating the cookie without me! She didn't even offer to feed me (as my hands were full) while we looked for a nice place to sit. ...cunt... So you all may be wondering what the big deal is, so I'll give you the run down of how it all happened:

Me: Baby, allow me to treat you to a cup of coffee, because I love you. Just let me put my things away first.

宝貝: Sure, I guess I'll have some coffee.

We put things we don't need away and proceed to the cafe joking and being goofballs. Once at the cafe:

Me: Go ahead and order. I kinda want that brownie, cookie looking thing. *to 宝貝* Do you wanna share that cookie, brownie looking thing with me, my darling angel?

宝貝: Umm, yea, sure.

We get the cookie, fix up our coffees and look for a place to enjoy everything. For some reason, the building we were in was so super crowded, so we finally made our way to the second floor, where I discovered the betrayal! She made it seem like she was nibbling, but it was obviously a normal bite. She takes huge bites, but this was a normal person bite. In retrospect, it might have been nibbling for her, but to me this was ultimate betrayal. I mean how could she, you know? We were supposed to to share that moment together. Nevertheless, I let it go. We moved to better seating on the third floor because the chairs, where we were sitting, sucked.

So now we're on the third floor, much more comfortable. We're taking turns biting the cookie, when she says "Can you just break it in half?" Not a big deal, right? I agree. However, I had only had a few bites, while she had been eating the cookie since we purchased it. Plus, the annoyance in her voice was undeniable. I was shocked. All I could think was "But, my darling, I love you. Don't you want to enjoy this moment together?" Instead, what I said was "Are you serious right now?" In the end I threw the cookie on her bag, (we fought about that) and hurried her off to class. It wasn't that serious, but meh.

Quite honestly, I was just mad that she had the first bite. I wanted the first bite... Petty? So what? The cookie wasn't really that good, which is why I didn't mind giving her the rest and I didn't miss it, when it was gone. Oh well. I'll talk to her later and apologize.

So moral of the story, it's only a cookie and we girls get very emotional about our cookies ;) No, I'm kidding about that part. Seriously though, we all need to know when to pick our battles. That's something I struggle with everyday. The story was a bit exaggerated (or a lot). The conversation was a lot more casual and she wasn't that nonchalant--even though she normally is--and I wasn't that sweet and innocent sounding. I'm still working on controlling my temper, especially, when I'm dealing with someone I care about and whose feeling I don't wanna hurt. It's hard because I am not a very caring person towards other people, but she is the love of my life and I'm willing to work on this for the both of us.

Stay strong, everyone. Until next time!

One of Those Days

Dead inside.

The feeling of being alone forever.

Cold. Still.

Only the empty hollow, of what was once a heart. 

Now it is a shell, A cavity void of life or vitality.

It is as unwanted as the body that onced lived and housed it.

Alone.

Having tried to muster up the courage to reveal a scary truth, only to have the truth meet with an ugly reality.

In light of these details, one would be a fool not to feel alone.

Yet, holding out hope seems plausible. It seems right.

But when beating one's head against the wall repeatedly does nothing but cause more suffering, what is left to do?

Walls cannot be broken down so easily, this is obvious, but when the other refuses to give one the chance to try and reveal the person one truly sees within the other, who gains?

No one.

Everyone loses.

Everyone suffers.

Everyone is hiding for fear of hurting and no one wants to hurt, but sometimes, in order to be happy a little vulnerability is necessary.

A little sacrifice is needed.

A little openess...

A little more effort...

Just a little hope...

When one thinks about the other, one holds back tears...

One cannot cry because one is physically incapable of showing any kind of sadness.

No matter how much one is hurting, the tears will never come.

They will never leave salty streams down one's cheeks nor will they leave the infamous dry shadows that reaveal to outsiders the pains suffered and released.

Never.

However, one tries.

One tries so hard to make the other see what one wants and how much one really cares.

The only thing that the other can see is how terrible the other believes the other's self to be.

One will not believe this self perception because one knows better...

One knows better.

One knows that one's desires may be selfish and that one should respect the wishes of the other, but when emotions are so strong that fighting them would be futile, one cannot just let go.

One knows better.

Suffering. 

Quietly.

Trying not to reveal the aches that stress and repulse...

Unable to fully hide these feeling, always wearing everything on the sleeve.

Disappointed.

In one's self...

For feeling...

For showing it...

For revealing it...

For all of the above, when the one's gut knew that no happy ending existed.

No happy ending existed...

One wants it all, but is scared to go for it...

One sits in one's own self pity...

In one's own grief...

In one's own sadness...

Hating one's self for thinking one is not good enough.

For thinking it is all one's fault...

For being selfish...

Picking.

Picking at every minute detail and watching it grow into a giant festering nothing.

Because one cannot be happy...

One doesn't deserve it...

Secrets.

All of one's secrets...

One has shared with the other...the other still doesn't see...

One wants the other's trust and therefore has revealed some of one's darkest pains in the idea of trusting the other...

No.

One knows that walls cannot be broken down overnight...

One knows...

So, one sits.

One wallows.

One knows that the other does not truly understand the deep impact of rejection on one.

The other does not realize the self-esteem of one is directly impacted by those one truly cares for...

One can never admit how one really feels.

One does not want to make the other feel bad...

Feel guilty...

Everything one does, says, goes through, is one's personal problem.

Through no fault of the other does one feel the way one feels.

Without.

Nothing to encourage nor inspire.

Down.

Not coming up and not wanting to...

One just wants to sink into nothingness,

To be consumed by one's own feelings of despair.

One wants to let go.

Without...

The other...

One knows...

One will forever be...

Without.

Guys I have really bad days sometimes, and every thought just comes out morbid. I'm working on it, but geez, sometimes I just wanna curl up with a nice, big, delicious, piece of pie. Yes, I said pie. If you don't like pie, you're obviously an alien...

Tornado

Tornado，

你 好！ 好 久 不 见。 最近 怎么样？

这 个 学 期 我 不 太 忙。

我 上 五 门 课， 不过作业不多。另外，为了学习中文， 我还改换了我的专业。因为它比较有意思。在我的新专业中，我可以用到中文。我中文说得不是很好，而且也说得很慢。不过我写得倒是挺快的，因为写起来比较容易的。我 喜欢 学习 中文， 可是 有的 时候 它 很 难。我喜欢学中文，但有时候觉得它很难。我 现在 在 我 的 学校 工作。我喜欢我的学校，相信你也会喜欢它的。

This was me telling my cat about college, when I was a freshman. I don't have alot of friends, okay? I don't need your judgement...

Em Português

Eu vou nunca confesso,

Que eu sou doente.

Isso vai fazer real,

Isso abre o porta por injuria.

O sentimentos esse eu permito acumular,

Eles sai correm.

Eles se libertam.

Eu recuso permitir isso acontecer.

Eu vou nunca confesso,

Que eu sou doente.

Como posso com franqueza dizer,

Eu tenho um condição.

Com quem posso dividir,

Minha o alteração em estabili de mental.

Minha recém-descoberta medo duma vida.

Eu não posso dizer alguém, eu estou machuando.

Eu nunca posso dizer alguém,

O que eu necessito um aquecer abracer.

Isto dar a impressão de sou para que em necessito.

Eu não  sou solitario.

Ele dar a impressão de sou para que em assustado.

Ninguém devia sabem.

Ninguém devia vem.

Eu necessito levantar se em minha próprio.

Eu nunca posso dizem alguém,

Aquilo que eu estou realmente sentindo.

Para que minha doeçe me,

E ele dói.

O que sinceramente, eles assuta me,

Eu deve està escondido tudo vou atravès.

Tudo que sinto nunca pode ser dito.

Eu nunca posso dizer alguém.

Eu vou nunca confesso.

Porém eu estou despejando me alma sai a você.

Quando o universo busca o equilíbrio.

Sacrifícios devem ser feitos.

Temo por nossa fundação.

São os sacrifícios vale a pena?

Se tudo deve desintegrar-se antes de atingir o nível final …

Nunca saberemos se há justificativa para o que foi sacrificado ...

Quando o universo busca achar harmonia,

Quem vai vir sai ilseo?

Não homem ou animal ser isento de o equilíbrio.

Cicantrizes serem inevitável, mas força vai determina profundidade.

Eu temo minha força està não bastante continuar em...

O perda ser nunca limitado onde equilibrio obrigatorìo ser ser tido.

Slackers Anonymous

So, I'm a slacker, who has too many hobbies. Yes, guys that's a thing. We slackers know what it's like to half-ass our work. Currently, I am slacking on my language studies. Bad Passóne, shame on you!

I know, I know, but I've lost my motivation. Have you ever just lost to the will to do something you love? I love a lot of things and can never really keep up with everything that I try to do. I leave novels unfinished, knitting half knitted, songs unrecorded, and languages unfluencied...? Okay, that's not a word, but I didn't wanna break the flow. Don't judge me...

My point is, I'm essentially doing everything and yet still nothing at all. It's hard to kinda get out of a funk, when you don't really know why you lost your motivation to begin with. Honestly, I might not even finish this blog... I am so full of conflicting emotions that when I do eventually get back to enjoying my hobbies, I suddenly have a truck load of reasons why it's not good enough. Who will read my novel, wear my scarf, like my song, or speak in Chinese with me? At the same time, I'm like "Maybe someone will find a spark in it all, and if not, I'll be happy that I finally completed something". When I get these feelings, I get so charged and motivated to finish everything that I ever started in life, for about one week and the the spark is gone again... *Sigh* It doesn't help that I am a perfectionist. For all of my fellow perfectionist, you know that when something is not exactly how you want it to be, you won't even let the ghosts see it until it is.

My thinking also gets pretty crazy, when I have a swirl of ideas. I want to include everything and I know how I want it included, but my hands just do not move quickly enough. As a result, some of what I believe to be great ideas, get lost forever.

I wonder what it's like for an idea to get lost forever. Do they go to some dark abyss in the back of our minds, never to be seen or herd from again? I wonder if they get sad, like little orphaned kittens... Awwww, that's so sad~~ Come back little ideas!

Ahem. Back to the subject at hand.

Part of me knows I could be trying a little harder to keep up with my hobbies, but then at that point it just comes down to laziness, we all know how that ends. Can I just mention how I only get super awesome ideas the month before school starts and then I never finish anything I start, once school begins. Maybe school is killing my mojo! *GASP* School is the murderous culprit and I can't let it get away with this! Guys, I clearly have to drop out of school in order to pursue happiness. It's all so clear to me now...

No, I'm kidding. I actually really love school and learning, and I have other career plans, which is why I suffer through boring lectures and group assignments everyday. Look for my politics rant, coming soon.

Okay, that was a random tangent...So clearly, I'm crazy.

Anyway, why am I telling you all of this? I am telling to because I love Chinese, and I think I finally found the spark that will get me motivated to start studying Mandarin again. Actually, my girlfriend was going through the same thing with her studies in Japanese. We are trying to study abroad and that has motivated us to get back in the habit of hardcore language study. I have been slacking so much in Mandarin that in order for me to be placed properly, when I do go abroad, I really need to review what I have already learned in the past and may learn something new while I am at it. It would suck if I were to be placed in beginners classes when I am on the intermediate level. Anybody, who has ever had to hear the same lesson over and over, knows how it feels to be bored in a class like that. Anyways, onward and upward! I gotta stop slacking, or I'll be the one to suffer in the end.

再見!

Just Do Your Work!

Recently, okay, actually not so recently, I have been having problems with procrastination. It's been a thing since high school. I have no real excuse, I'm just EXTREMELY lazy. Who isn't these days, but that's a rant for another day. Anyway, I have been trying on and off to get out of that bad habit. I mean, come on, it's 2014 and I'm a junior in college. Eventually, I'm gonna get thrown out into the cruel world, without even a loin cloth to hide my shame and no professional business is gonna tolerate that foolishness. It's just so hard to break the habit. Here's a scenario for some of my most common bouts of procrastination:

the weekend and I have no plans at all. Seriously, none. My life is as dry as the Sahara. I wake up, take care of my morning routine (or afternoon, depending on how the week went), and then I remember several assignments that are due Monday and a few chores that need to be done.

Now, this is about 10 am (or 1. Guys my weeks are seriously ridiculous sometimes.) on a Saturday. I have PLENTY of time to get off of my lazy butt and do something, right? Well, there is my problem. I have waaayyy too much free time. This is what I do with that time:

I go through each assignment and check the amount of work needed for each item. Assignments with less work get done immediately with a time limit of 1-2 hours. Longer assignments get complaints and shoved into my bag, to maybe, possibly, get done an hour before bedtime on Sunday night. Maybe. I might wait and do it on the commute. Or not... Don't judge me.

Next, I go through all of the chores that I need to do and confirm that I do not have enough time and that there is no possibility of ever getting them completed, ever, in this lifetime. Then, I go sweep the floor and call it a day.

After I have completed all of this laborious work, I sit in my bed and complain about how I have nothing to do, how bored I am, and how dry my phone is, because nobody has sent me texts all day (disregarding the fact that I talk to, like, three people who aren't family).

Okay, you can see my problem. I'm a lazy bum and there is no excuse for my actions. None at all. It's even difficult to defend myself to my mother sometimes. I just have no words. But wait, there's more!

I don't really watch TV anymore, so I can't just go flip on the tube and waste the day away, like I used to in high school. This is what it's come to: Passóne has gone so far as to actually find out what the hype is all about, with certain TV shows. Online, I search for shows that are popular at the moment (pop culture is not even remotely appealing to me) and I WATCH them! *GASP* Yea. It's that deep. I have watched as follows, but this is not the extent of the list:

Game of Thrones

Spartacus

American Horror Story

Bad Girl's Club

Just so I didn't have to do work. Sometimes I mindlessly walk around the house, going insane out of shear boredom. Guys, this is ridiculously sad...

So, all of this goes on until about 9 pm on Sunday evening, if I'm good. I finally do half of a chore and one assignment or two right before bed. I'm trying to get everything done, all the while, complaining about how sleepy I am. I did this to my own lazy, self. I usually get most things done, but what I am trying to get at, here, is that I could have had it all done by the afternoon on Saturday and had been peacefully sleeping on Sunday. What's wrong with me? I honestly do not know. I have, like, no clue, whatsoever, how I can know the problem and still do nothing to combat it.

Recently, I have been getting better and it's not as much of a struggle to do my damn work, but it's still a work in progress. I only procrastinate for most of Saturday, now. I try to remind myself to be aware of my position in life and the repercussions and rewards for doing my work on time. Reward: I get to bum around and stop playing lawyer when my mom asks why I haven't cleaned anything in a two weeks. Guys, the struggle is real.Wish me luck!

P.S.

Don't be like me. Just do your work!

How It All Began

Welcome to Billi's Book, where I will talk about whatever pops into my brain. It all began in the blizzard of 1994- just kidding. My name is Passóne and you can pronounce that like 'passion'. It is said with a French accent, but you don't have to bother yourself with all of that craziness.

I'm just your average poor college student, living life and hanging out with my family and friends. I'm full of randomness that I just have to share with everyone. It's kind of funny since I am so introverted that I don't talk to actual people that often. I'm not weird, don't judge me... In this blog I will talk about what's going on in my life right now, you'll find out a little about my past and goals for the future, my hobbies (I have a lot), my struggles (I have a lot of those too), and all sorts of other things. There will be the occasional rant about something that really irritates me. I'm a goofball in my free time, so expect things that make no sense at all.

I hope to help whoever decides to reads my blog or just give them a chuckle. I am an open book, hence the title, and I am ready to start telling a story. Join me on my life journey. (I'm clumsy, so I'll be falling a lot)

-Passóne :)