I'm A Person!

Hello, hello, hello!

Long time no see everyone. I've been so busy with classes and getting ready to study abroad. I had some changes made to my life, none of them are good, but still life goes on right? Mostly... 

Anyway, let me just tell you what I will be doing, starting very soon. It has come to my attention, that little ole introverted me, actually has a lot to say about damn near everything. Who would've thought, right? Well I've decided not only to share those thoughts with you via this blog, but I'm also going to become more active on my Youtube page as well. I have a wide variety of things that I want to discuss with you. I'm sure many people can relate to the struggle of life. I want to share some problems that I'm sure I am not the only one who has to deal with. I also want to talk about coping mechanisms, things to do so that you don't stew in your feelings, and maintaining support systems if you have them.

Now, don't go thinking, he channel is all sad and full of feelings, I will also be showing some fun things. I usually just post music that I write, but I really want to connect with you all and try to help if I can. I'll have silly things to say, "every man" rants, and maybe some skits because I can't resist being silly. So come stop by. Ask me questions, share your stories, or just watch. I'll be HERE!!

Brain, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

You know what really grinds my gears? When you're in class and your professor asks if you have any questions and you don't,but the moment you leave class and are on to your next mission in life, your brain is suddenly full of insightful thoughts that would have been bomb-ass if you'd said them during class. Scumbag brain. How about not having anything at the moment to contribute to the lesson, but suddenly having ground-shaking discoveries on your way home that evening? You can't ask them next class because it'll be a new lesson and you don't want to look stupid for not having made those comments earlier (I just stuff everything in my paper if we have one due on the subject). Or, if you actually have something to contribute and it's carefully thought out but when you go to articulate it, you sound like you're relearning to speak. Gah, I hate that one the most!

Now, for me, the last one is my worst enemy. If you read my How It All Began post, then you know I am a introvert. However, I don't think that I have told you guys that I aspire the become a lawyer. I know. I am a walking contradiction, as my girlfriend likes to remind me every time there's an argument. Don't judge me...

So, for me, as an introvert I spent a good majority of my life not physically speaking to people (if I could help it). Therefore, I didn't really verbalize much until I got to college. Some of you may be thinking "How can someone go so long in life without speaking?" Trust me, it's easier than you think. I would answer question when called on, did presentations when required, hell, I even played leading roles in plays and musicals. I have performed solo songs, poetry, group performances, auditions, debate club, and mock trial. You all think I'm crazy don't you? You might think I'm crazier, when I say I do all of this with not trouble AT ALL! Like I said: walking contradiction. But let me clarify something really quickly.

Many people think that being an introvert means that you are quiet because you are shy or socially awkward (actually, you're socially awkward because you are an introvert). However, being an introvert is so much more than our silence. Most introverts tend to be more pensive, observant, and independent. This accounts for one of the reasons we don't speak much. We're probably in our own head or just quietly watching and gathering information. For some introverts, shyness accounts for their quiet demeanor. For others, they are just more content with themselves. This is not to say that they don't like people (I might be the only one like that) it's just that they know how to be alone and content, and they don't mind not being in the company of others.

 When you're an introvert, you do not spend a lot of time actually physically talking to others. When the time comes for us to actually verbalize, it can be difficult. If it's on the spot, it can be mortifying! For example, if I get called on in class, it never fails for my heart to hide behind stomach, which is trying to escape through my back. Dude, it is the worst thing ever and the reason I sit in the farthest corner of the room. I pray to the Heaven Lords that I do not get called on and zoom out of the room, like the flash, when class is over. In contrast, when It's something that I have had time to prepare, like a presentation, I exude confidence (even though my knees are furiously shaking and threatening to give out). When I am done, I sit and exhale in relief. Even though I am petrified of public speaking, I still do it and even have goals to do it professionally. (Guys I might be a masochist...) It doesn't matter how many times I do it; I still feel the same before, during, and after. I don't even socialize with people regularly. I have a few friends I talk to, and I don't even talk to them that much.

So, knowing that introverts are not really talkers and some reasons why, can you see why the last problem (mentioned in the first paragraph) irritates me? When I actually put myself out there, with no preparation, I sound ridiculous! Not speaking can be a hindrance when the time comes to actually use your voice. This, everyone, is reason I hate volunteering to speak in class: my mouth and lips do not work. My brain is like "Say this, this, and this. Don't forget to mention that. This is also very important, don't leave it out!", meanwhile my mouth is confused in trying to keep up (Oh, the pressure!). Brain slow down, so that the rest of us can catch up. Why do you hate us?

A part of me always thought that doing the different forms of public speaking would help me be more outspoken in life, but I have long ago realized that I am the way I am and I don't need to change. I'll just continue to speak when necessary because it works for me. I love everything I have ever tried and have continued with mostly everything (I didn't like the person who ran the debate club. Talk about condescending). I like to think that maybe the reason, some of my thoughts don't come out right when I speak or don't come to me until it's too late is because maybe I'm not meant to share them just yet. Maybe I should be writing them down and archiving them to be discussed at a later date. Like a cocktail party or something, when somehow we get on the topic what it's like to be a poor college student in America, with mountains of debt before we're thirty...

Dude, I'm telling you, the struggle to achieve a better life is real. There is a lot of soul selling, crying, begging for money (grants and loans), and sketchy exchanges (loans).

Well, anyway, even though I suck at it and sometimes end up feeling embarrassed by the end, I still try to speak publicly on the spot and rehearsed. I still prefer not to speak, or to be asked questions, or to just not be talked to at all (I'll write down the answer to whatever you need to know, just please don't ask me to speak)...but I am willing to try. I really like being an introvert, because it allows me to see outside of myself and past the surface of things (but don't ask me to explain in words what I'm thinking...).

Okay, guys, just be yourself. Don't try to change to fit into other people's demands. Do what works for you and be proud of it (as long as it's legal).

Shove on!

You Have 24 Hours

Have you ever had a family member call you and complain about how you never call? My sister is notorious for doing this. Last night she calls me and immediately starts going in on me about how I never call and she is always the first to call. According to her: I don't love her  and she's always checking up on me but I don't call to check on her. I see...

Now, what my dear, beloved sister fails to realize, is that am a college student and sometimes I don't even have time to breathe, let alone call and inquire about her life. I commute three hours Mon-Fri. on public transportation to and from school. That is six hours a day devoted to traveling. For five days each week, that is 30 hours of traveling. Does she realize that is basically a work week? Not to mention the four classes I take and the two jobs I work. I have at least five hours of homework and studying to do, scholarships to apply for, essays to write for scholarships, applications that need to be completed for study abroad, a Leadership program that I'm trying to get inducted into, group assignments that require constant contact, social obligations I need to keep up with, and meetings for like everything. I am barely ever home and most of my fun has to be planned out like, three weeks in advance. I hardly ever see my mother, and I actually live with her! I don't how my sister expects me to call her. Honestly, whenever I get home, I just pass out. The struggle is real.

Now I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is not a college student yet and doesn't know the struggle. If she thinks that she has no free time now while she's working two jobs, she's gonna be flipping shit, when she actually starts college. The first year is always crazy because you're getting into the swing of something new.

Guys, she nagged me like an Italian mother. It was crazy. All I could do was apologize and say I'll call more. If you're a junior or senior college student (or just a college in general) you know the struggle of keeping up with everything and that certain things get forgotten, like sisters who live in other states. You just don't have enough time in the day. You can't stretch yourself too much or you'll get worn out.

I'd like to talk to my sister and check on her and catch up and all of that jazz, but it's just not feasible for me, when I have so many other pressing matters that need my attention. I appreciate that she calls and checks on me, but I don't like being reprimanded for things I can hardly control. Also when she nags, I feel like I'm going to get grounded or something. The hard truth is: there just isn't enough time in a day. I will try to pencil her in during the week for a phone call when I have free time.

Well...just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Until next time, guys!

The Potential of Democracy: Does it Really Work?

Question of the day: Democracy, does it work? Why or Why not?

Okay, so the dispute about what government types is the best, has probably been around as long as organized government has existed. Now, it's no surprise that the world's super powers are all under different systems of government. Just generally there is Democracy, something of a Constitutional monarchy, and Communism. The non super powers, I guess you can call them for purposes of simplicity, have varied governments. For example, Theocracy, which is probably the least popular and almost nonexistent government type. False Democracy and Dictatorships are others.

It's also no secret that the more democratic nations of the world (The United States) are accused of trying to bring democracy to other countries who do not have that government type. We all know how I feel about America and her antics (see Et Tu Brute). But this begs the question: Does Democracy really work? I'll tell you what I think from my observations in my own country and how other countries handle their rights.

Simply put, I think Democracy has potential. I think when executed in a certain way, with citizens who take it seriously and are educated about their government, Democracy can do big things. I say this because, I live in a country where a large percentage of people are not educated about their government and take their rights as citizens for granted. The right to vote being the major one. In the States, we have such a low percentage in regards to voter turn out. But I think this is quite ironic for a country of people who shout rights violation the first chance that they get, but then when it's time to let their voices be heard, they choose not to take action. Am I the only one who fails to see the logic in that?

Okay, so I am not the most politically aware person, but I am not completely ignorant either. I may not know who my state governor is (don't judge me) but I am aware of how the system works and if I want something to change I have to make my voice be heard when the time comes. I know not to sit and make uneducated complaints about how the government isn't doing its job, because I know that for the most part the government does what the people let it do. If you want better schools and your representative is not voicing your concerns properly, you have every right to protest, petition, or vote them out at the next election.

You know that phrase "Be the change you want to see"? Well, if you want something done, you gotta do it. Part of having a Democracy means, making decisions on your own behalf and having them put into action. Unjust laws can be challenged. Budget cuts that make no sense, can be challenged. It's all about asking questions and doing the research.Then, you take action!

So, for a country like mine, Democracy does not work. We take our rights for granted and many of  us remain completely uneducated about the system as a whole. Now, in countries, like Italy, I think democracy has a better chance. The people are more involved in their political system and they seem to either be more educated about their government or more aware of the difference that their vote makes (hell it might be both!). Countries like Bolivia and Spain have protested against rights violations and corrupt government. These are examples of people who go for what they want. Instead of complaining about what's not getting done or how they don't approve of the system, they went out and showed the government what they were thinking and voiced their discontent.

These countries do not have the same constitutional protections as the US, so doing this is more dangerous for them. They have corrupt governments intent on staying in power and will kill to ensure that they do so. Maybe that's why they take voting more seriously than the States. They can appreciate the benefits of a more democratic government, because they know the hardship of something more strict.

What I'm saying is: as it stands now, democracy in the US is like giving a toddler a spoon. They know what it's for and have the potential to use it properly, but they just won't. I really do not understand. Just use it! It's there for you! Men have nearly caused this country to be separated forever, just so that you wouldn't be subjugated to the whims of leaders and you're just pissing away all of their hard work! Especially you, minority groups. You of all people should be the first at the polls. You know what it's like to have to fight, on an everyday basis, against rights violations.

If the citizens of the States were actually active members of their community and participated in their government, Democracy could end up being a kick-ass system. There are many other factors that play role in whether Democracy can work, but I think it starts with the people. Therefore, I think it has potential to work, even though it's not really doing much right now.

Just some thoughts and opinions I have. I didn't give actual percentages because I hate numbers, but the research has been done. Also, I hate politics with a passion, so I'm not as involved as I should be. Don't worry I'm working on it. I prefer to look at law and policy rather than people in speeches. Actually that might be more deeply rooted in my distaste for people... Honestly if you've ever seen an US campaign commercial, they aren't very informative. It's mostly bashing their opponent. If I wanted to see someone get called out for everything they ever did wrong in life, I could just read tabloid scandals. I want to know what my representatives can do for me. Do you share my concerns? How will you be better than the last guy or how will yo ix your mistakes and avoid making them again? You know? I want a real campaign, not reality television commercials. But I digress.

Be a part of your community and government, people. Trust me, it does benefit you in the end.

Also, be on the look out for my new web series coming soon. My girlfriend and I will teach you have cheap or free fun in your community and communities abroad. Look for Community Explorations. Trust me you'll have a good time watching us and trying our suggestions.

Until next time!

The Importance of Being Earnest

I had such a wonderful moment this morning! I was waiting for the bus and I started singing this Mandarin song that I heard on 我是歌詞 (I Am a Singer). Of course I watch foreign singing shows, don't act surprised. So, I was (attempting) singing this song and I wanted to learn the rest of the lyrics, other than the one part that I really like. We all do it: belt out that one part that we know, like we wrote the song ourselves, but mumble some remixed version of the rest of the lyrics. You know who you are...

I look up the song, using the Mandarin name, in Chinese characters. Of course the results are in Chinese. I sift through, until I find the site that I usually go to for Mandopop lyrics and I clicked it. Now, since I am still only on a lower intermediate level, I usually expect to only understand, maybe, a quarter to two quarters of the song, when reading (My listening ability is terrible, so it's even less than that when I actually hear the song).

So here I am, doing my usual routine for learning song lyrics, in any language. I look at the lyrics and try to sing them, by matching them to the melody that I remember. Trust that I've listened to the song dozens of times, by this point, before I actually decided to learn the rest of the words. I'm scrolling down the lyrics, just singing away, making adjustments and trying to figure out how the parts would match up. I hit a snag with one line, where I didn't know most of the words and therefore didn't understand the line. I skip it and all of its repetitions, and continue on with the song. When I finally finish the song, I realize: I understood the entire song! (minus that one line)

The reason this is such an amazing thing for me, is because I have been studying Mandarin for almost three years and I had come to a point where I wasn't seeing any more improvement. This caused me to lose a lot of the motivation and enthusiasm I had, coming into learning the language. When I look up my favorite Mandopop songs, I'm used to only being able to read and understand a small portion of the Characters and having to whip out the dictionary that I downloaded onto my phone or the one I purchased from Barnes&Noble. I look up whole sentences sometimes. But this time, I only looked up two words and I still need to look up that one line that I skipped.

It took me until I had finished the song to realized how smoothly and easily I had gone through the song. It was like reading my own native tongue, when I look up English song lyrics. I was just amazed with myself and I suddenly realized that the whole time, where I thought I wasn't making any significant progress, I had actually been moving up quite a bit. These types of moments, are the reason I keep going on doing what I love. When you have these "aha" moments or those wonderful feelings of accomplishment and purpose, it makes it seem like the struggle and tears and numerous efforts were all well worth it. (It's even better when you can prove someone wrong.)

I was so proud of myself and that moment made me want to start up my studies again. I really needed that after my program search for studying abroad in China turned sour. (See my Et Tu Brute post) 

Guys, you gotta always do what you love. Even when things don't seem so great, or it doesn't seem like you'll ever go anywhere, just keep doing it. Trust me, the spark will return. To some people, my little reading session might not seem like such a big deal, but when you have people telling you "That's such a hard language learn", "You're gonna have a difficult time keeping up with everything" or they make fun of the language or there's someone more advanced than you showing off, that little moment is big fat middle finger going "F you guys, I CAN and WILL do this, because I am capable. Because I love it. Because I don't give a damn what you say, think, or how you feel about it, it's my choice and I choose to stick it out." Because we know our capabilities and will challenge ourselves however we see fit.

Do not let obstacles keep you from doing what you love. If you end up homeless in a box because you want to be a dancer, or take care of orphaned cats, or whatever your passion is, don't let your environment stop you. Don't let naysayers get in your head, because they do not pay any damn rent. Use your environment to motivate you. Pull whatever resources you have. Only surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or hell, even strangers! But most importantly, you have to believe in yourself, even when everything goes wrong. You are your own worst enemy and your biggest cheerleader. If you let yourself down, that's basically like letting the world down. You are your own first priority, when it comes to doing what you love.

Okay, guys, keep moving forward! 

加油!

♬You Got the Music in You♬

"Talking to you is like a musical"- 宝貝

This is how my girlfriend feels, when we have conversations. It's actually funny that she is only just mentioning this now. Anybody who knows me, is quite aware of my obsession with music and all things musical. Seriously, if all of the music in the world were to just vanish one day, my body's natural response would be to stop breathing...that's a thing. I call it: losing the will to live.

Just earlier today, as she walked me to class, we were having a conversation about some potentially racists comments I made about the names of my professors (I like my professors a lot and nothing I was saying had any malicious intent, it's just the presentation could have been cleaner) and we got on the topic of our school's civility flag.

The civility flag signifies acceptance and community within the campus. So they claim. When an act of incivility, such as racist slurs, writing rude or derogatory things on the campus white boards, etc. the flag is lowered for five business days. A campus wide email is sent, informing faculty and staff about the incident that caused the flag to be lowered and lets everyone know that we are supposed to be a community and that kind of behavior is frowned upon, and all that jazz.

Well, when we were discussing my possibly offensive speech, and I brought up the civility flag, my girlfriend is serious about the discussion and I decide that it is perfect time to break out in song.

I often do this on a daily basis whether I'm alone or not. I don't usually sing out loud in public. It's a quieter type of singing, almost of is I'm singing along to the track (But I'm clearly not, because trust me if I'm singing, I know all of the words, all of the instrumental sounds, and every back up part. It's always a solo with me. Don't try to join in my concert...). Recently I've developed an "I don't give a f***" attitude and have been singing my new flavor of the week song like I wrote it myself.

Anyway, I sing a line from one of my favorites and she comes out of nowhere with "Talking to you is like a musical". I asked how that was true and she said it's because I'm always singing, even at that moment when we were having a serious conversation. I denied it of course be that is completely and utterly--okay, fine it's true. But, I like to thing I am quite tame most of the time. Like when I'm in class. There is so much potential for and old school slow jam music video.I won't lie, guys, I see my life through the eye of a music video director. She added that I also sometimes start dancing. Now, I deny this wholeheartedly because I am the farthest thing from a dancer, so I have to believe that I do not EVER dance...

In public. My house is another, more dangerous, story. Guys, me dancing, is like watching a fish out of water. That is actually a sad image if you think about it, because they are dying... Those fish out of water are dying. So if you think that image is funny, with the fish flopping around, with wide eyes because they don't have eyelids and can't blink and can only look at you, laughing at them dying, shame on you. But essentially that's me dancing: all over the place looking at my  family laughing at me because I know that there is no hope for my rhythm coordination. Don't judge me...

My point is, my girlfriend thing I'm a walking radio and I have to agree. I'm on my way to being a music connoisseur, guys. That would be awesome, to just be able to discuss musical genres and messages within songs (not on some crazy Illuminati type of thing, just "this is symbolic of his childhood when he first thought he was in love" sort of thing). But think she feels like shes having a conversation with the radio sometimes, because I am constantly singing. I'm sorry, but I can't help. Music flows within me.

Et Tu Brute

Guys, I'm feeling a little down in the dumpies. Wah! What is life, if not but a slow torturous walk towards death?

In a perfect world, where everyone loves me, I would be given all of the money and opportunities to go abroad to the places I want to go. I would see lovely things, talk to lovely people, eat lovely food, and soak up the country's loveliness. In a perfect world... But alas, there is no such world for me. There, probably, is no such world for anyone.

Guys, why is it so easy to destroy other countries, but it's like preventing ice from melting in your hand, when you want to go visit and genuinely learn about them. All I ever wanted, ever since I was a lass, was to go to China and live amongst the natives. I wanted to learn their ways and become one of the Chinese. I know they're not primitive beings, but when your country is so nationalistic and full of itself and is only preoccupied with other western countries, the other awesome countries like China and Japan get ignored in the realm of academics or non-racist portrayals in the media. 

I never got to learn about Chinese history, Chinese culture, or my personal favorite, Chinese language. I'll tell you what I did learn: all about England, the general UK, Spain and Spaniard Spanish, Puerto Rican Spanish, all general things about Latin America, and a little bit of French and French Culture. I've learned a lot about the general European area for the most part. But what I got endless supplies of, was all things US American and I am so sick of it (I'm speaking of terms of history and some politics).

I don't care what America wants, how America feels, what America thinks, or when America needs to wipe her snotty ass nose. America is one big ass bully and I don't condone any of her actions. All of her children tend to act just like her, selfish, stuck up, and rude. Half of them act like they don't have any home training. And yet, this is where half of the world wants to be, for reasons I just cannot fathom, at times.I just really wish this country's view was not so myopic. I'm not saying other countries don't have these same characteristics, but I don't like seeing it in my own country. These characteristics are the reason other countries have such a bad perception of people from America. (movies contribute as well) No two people Are the same, in any country. 

Nobody cares that I want to go to a non-European country, so it becomes harder to find help in getting a good affordable program. However, if I was going to Europe, the people in charge of ensuring I get everything I need to get there, would be bending over backwards to help me. What is the deal with that? I have nothing against Europe, but I'm more of the "road not taken" kind of gal.

Only one person seems bent on getting me where I want to be right now, and another person is trying to impose their ideas on me. Well, that's how it seems any way. Getting a decent, cultured education is so hard these days and it makes me sad that it's easier to promote getting a new phone or tablet, but promoting a varied education with a great cultural experience is so difficult. I just thought that I'd see something different from the average societal perspective, when I came to a college that promotes academics and study abroad. All I can say to their perspective is: not you too?