I often find myself falling these days. Not physically falling, but emotionally and mentally falling. Lately, it just feels like nothing is going right. I feel like a huge waste of space and it's hard to get out of those moods once I'm inside. I have a stubborn personality, so even if someone is trying to cheer me up, I'm determined to stew in my bad mood. That is not, at all, a healthy approach. Sometimes doing that leads to dangerous thoughts.
Have you ever just felt so low, that it seems like no one would care if you just disappeared? It feels like no one cares about you or has ever cared about you? Sometimes I feel that way and it's a dangerous place for my mind to be. I have a history of giving in to those thoughts and it's visible for anyone who has ever met me. Sometimes when people get to know me, they ask questions about it, but I avoid them because I actually feel ashamed. I don't want people to see the old me, when a new me is sitting right in front of them. It takes everything I have, not to go back to old me. I'm not just talking about giving in to those thoughts, but just the personality and disposition that I used to have in general.
Sometimes traits from that old disposition come back and get in the way of my new life. Some of those traits never really went away. I try to keep them at bay and everyday it's a struggle. When they manage to get out, I feel like I've failed and I get this sinking feeling. I'm falling. I feel like I've failed myself and everyone who loves me. I started punishing myself by pushing them away. I reject anything they've ever given me and anything they try to give me as a way to help me. I know that I don't have to do this, but in my mind, I'm taking everything from myself before they get the satisfaction of taking it from me first. That's not healthy. Everyday it's a struggle to not let those emotions get the best of me. Sometimes they win.
So, If you're like me and you battle depression or feelings of hopelessness daily, let's try some things out so that we don't succumb to darkness so easily.
1. If you have support systems, I cannot stress enough how important it is to use them as much as possible. Talk about everything you can, especially if they are willing to listen. Anything could be a trigger. I remember not doing well in statistics in my sophomore year of college. I always knew that I was no good in math, but because I was doing badly and feeling miserable emotionally, I got super depressed and started thinking that I would never be worth anything. I know this isn't true and I know that my future career and worth in life has nothing to do with math, but darkness has a way of making things connect even when they clearly don't fit together.
2. Say five nice things to yourself everyday. They can be the same five things if you want, but try to switch up once in awhile. You are important to at least one other person in your life, and they wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you. Pick something that you like to do and say something like "Hey, I see you sing a lot; I like your taste in music" or "Nice job at practice,I can see you're really skilled". Just things to boost yourself up. Even if you don't believe it, say it until you do. Hell, say it until it's true. Make it a goal.
3. Let yourself be helped. One of my main problems is that I'm stubborn and too independent. I won't allow others to get me out of my bad moods, encourage me, help in dire situations, or anything like that. You can't do everything alone and you don't have to. If someone wants to help you, for fuck's sake, please let them. They are obviously trying to show that they care about you. CHALLENGE: Let someone do at least two nice things for you a day. See how nice it feels to be cared about.
4. Set goals. Think of ways to distract yourself from sad thoughts. Partake in your favorite hobbies more often. Actually do your work on time. Go out and explore. Go see a movie. Set goals of progress like, "Today I'm going to finish that knitting project from two years ago" or "It's a nice day to go identify some trees by leaf" or "Today I'm going smile when someone tries to cheer me up" or even "I won't dwell on things I can't control". Just set goals for things that you can do when you're getting upset or to keep you from having the opportunity to get upset. Maybe even write them out the night before and tape them on the door. Look at them before you leave. If you need a reminder throughout the day, set little alarms or notifications to go off every few hours or however long you see fit to just remind you "Hey, you're awesome" or "Smile, because someone loves you" or even "Don't forget, there's pie at home and you have to be in a good mood to eat it or it won't taste good. Pie only tastes good when you eat it with happiness". Because it's true. Pie only tastes good with happiness... Don't judge me...
Anyway, these are just some starting points. I know you're in pain, but you have to remember that someone loves you and someone would want you to always be safe and care about yourself. When you can pick yourself up, it makes it easier for others to keep you standing tall.
Stay strong, everyone! And don't forget to check out my Youtube Channel.
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