I'm Going Away

I'm going to Scotland in about two weeks and the whole thing feels surreal to me. It's weird because my whole life I knew that I wanted to study abroad. However, now that it's actually happening, I don't feel ready. It's safe to say that I'm scared. I'm going to be away from my mom for five months. That's the longest we've ever been apart. I'm more worried about her taking care of herself, than anything else. I'm also going to be away from my girlfriend. We're coming up on our one year anniversary and it's been a rocky trip, but we've made it. It was hard enough being together while living in two different cities, but we got to see each other at school and visit each other on weekends. Soon we won't even be able to touch each other at all. I'll also be spending my birthday completely alone for the first time ever. The idea kinda makes me sad. *sigh* I know that there is Skype and email and snail mail and all that jazz, not it's not the same as physical hugs and cuddles. It's going to be tough, therefore, my goal is to make the best of my situation.

 

All my life I've wanted to study abroad and now I'm doing it. I have to have fun and eat weird things, right? So, I will. I'll study hard and learn, a new vocabulary. Maybe I'll pick up a accent. My girlfriend likes redheads and the Scottish accent, which means I'm halfway there. Hehe. Plus in my free time I have the opportunity to travel to France to practice my terrible French and maybe go shopping. I'll have to remember not to do the British accents that my girlfriend and I have been practicing lately. That could make for a few awkward encounters. Even though I'm scared, I'm going to enjoy these last weeks with my beloved mother and girlfriend and I'm going to have fun in Scotland and share as much my activities, with you all, as I can.

 

加油！

Habits

Hi and Hello!

I want to talk about habits. We all have them, good habits, bad habits, sleeping habits, nervous habits...just habits. I want to maybe talk about some of my various habits and maybe give a little advice about breaking those unfavorable habits and adopting better ones.

So, first of all I'm the the first to be honest about myself and all of my bad traits. Often this leads to me ignoring many of my good traits. *GASP* I know, right? I actually have those, who would've thought? But anyway, I can usually discern what I'm doing wrong in my life and how or if it can be fixed, whether I choose to or not. I have A LOT of bad habits, but I'll just name a few and give some tips to help you combat your bad habits.

1) So, I'm really bad at keeping my room (anything really) clean after initially cleaning it. I know I'm not the only one who is like this, so don't cast your judgment upon me!

Ahem. Picture this: Your home, or in your box, or your hut, or your spaceship, wherever your living quarters are, and you have some free time (or a nagger on your back...). You decide to do some tidying up which leads to some hardcore cleaning and voila! Your space is the cleanest it has ever been in a long time. You are so proud of yourself. But then, dammit you need something, but can't find it. You patiently search trying to recall where you had placed everything. You eventually find what you are looking for and the space still looks spectacular! Good job you. :) You are able to maintain this behavior for about a three days to a week; but, then you get busy, less patient, lazy, irritated, always in a hurry, etc. Sound familiar? That is me... and I am you...I am you. Just kidding, but you have come to realize that there is  an order within your chaos that you have come to accept. 

This is not acceptable!

This type of acceptance is one of the reasons that nothing can stay clean. You seem to know where everything is when your space is dirty, but can find nothing when it is perfectly clean. You need to give yourself a new definition of order and retrain yourself to function within in it that way when your space starts to become disorganized, you can tackle the mess before it becomes out of control. Once it becomes out of control, then you really don't want to touch it and that's not helping either. Having a dirty space leads to fungi growth, invitations for creatures to move in, sickness, dust, bugs moving in, smells, and much more. Even if you're not consciously bothered, your body can tell when it is not in an optimal environment. It is good to keep your space clean so that you don't have fight these irritants all of the time and you can reduce your risk for disease.

I know I clean my room thoroughly about once a month. Not good at all. You'd think it'd be cleaner since I'm hardly home and that is just the opposite. I come in, I throw ff my things, I sleep, shower eat, then I'm out again. On weekends I don't want to do anything. What I should be doing, putting my things away in a neater, less hurried fashion. Even if I'm tired, I should make an attempt to reduce the level of disorganization as much as possible for the next time I have time to clean up. Of course we all have those days when we are dead tired and just want to collapse, but on normal days, we can put in a little more effort.

Now for the tips!

So, I must first initiate a challenge! When you go back to space, no matter what other things you have to do, make a conscious effort to tidy up. even if it's just for five or ten minutes. Put some things away. wash the dishes, sweep, mop, whatever will reduce the amount of dirt and chaos in your space. Do this everyday for a week and each days pend a little more time cleaning. Add five minutes to your previous time spent and clean something new each time. I guarantee you'll see a reduction in mess and amount you'll have to do during the next week. eventually, it will end up that you'll have basically nothing to do. This is my challenge and I will be doing the same thing. I will share my results. In a week!

Aside from my challenge, you could also try creating a schedule for yourself and implementing it. Yes, people,I'm talking about giving yourself chores. Despite how you felt about them as kids, you can't deny their effectiveness when you actually did them right. If you didn't have chores, then there's no hope for you...just kidding. Ask your average black kid what it was like. So yea, schedule.

My go to thing is setting certain days aside for specific tasks. Pic a day to be the day you clean your space.

Reward yourself for every day you keep your space clean (not with food). Incentives are always nice. "I can go out once the dishes are done" or "I won't get a whooping if my room is clean." Just small things like that.

2) Where are all of my emotional eaters? Whoo!!

Stop that shit...stop it now. I am a huge emotional eater. Happy, sad, bored, excited, angry. dead tired and have to crawl to that delicious looking piece of pie...yea...it doesn't matter, any event is a reason for food. This is both physically and mentally unhealthy. If you do this, you have to stop.

Of course I have challenge. :)

Whenever you are feeling like you want to eat, but you're not actually hungry do something that takes you away from the kitchen or wherever food is available. Get yourself into more healthy and productive activities. Go for a walk; if you must eat, grab some fruit or yogurt-make healthier snack choices; go to the gym a few times a week; learn something new, I know you live on your electronics so make it useful; make something, anything that helps to keep you busy and not thinking about food.

The thing is, you're just looking for something to do and food is easy, accessible, and you don't have to move much. If you are happy, then put that energy into making someone else happy, or just dance around--trust me it's fun. If you are sad, then write or talk about it. Comfort food will only warm you through the body fat that you will inevitably pack on...But seriously, emotional eating is a terrible and unhealthy habit. Let's be better to ourselves, kay?

This is getting long. Don't wanna keep you away from your precious YouTube for much longer...

So, the moral of today's post is that in order to get out of habits, you must first be able to recognize them. Only then, will you be able to determine what will be the best course of action for you to combat them. I named my two biggest bad habits and I have tried or will try to lessen them and create good habits. Over the years I have made progress and I hope you will too. 

In the mean time, check out my other posts and Click here to come to my YouTube page for other discussions. Ask questions, email me with topics you want to talk about, or tell me what you think about what I'm doing.

Until Next time!

Adios!

An Uphill Battle

I often find myself falling these days. Not physically falling, but emotionally and mentally falling. Lately, it just feels like nothing is going right. I feel like a huge waste of space and it's hard to get out of those moods once I'm inside. I have a stubborn personality, so even if someone is trying to cheer me up, I'm determined to stew in my bad mood. That is not, at all, a healthy approach. Sometimes doing that leads to dangerous thoughts.

Have you ever just felt so low, that it seems like no one would care if you just disappeared? It feels like no one cares about you or has ever cared about you? Sometimes I feel that way and it's a dangerous place for my mind to be. I have a history of giving in to those thoughts and it's visible for anyone who has ever met me. Sometimes when people get to know me, they ask questions about it, but I avoid them because I actually feel ashamed. I don't want people to see the old me, when a new me is sitting right in front of them. It takes everything I have, not to go back to old me. I'm not just talking about giving in to those thoughts, but just the personality and disposition that I used to have in general.

Sometimes traits from that old disposition come back and get in the way of my new life. Some of those traits never really went away. I try to keep them at bay and everyday it's a struggle. When they manage to get out, I feel like I've failed and I get this sinking feeling. I'm falling. I feel like I've failed myself and everyone who loves me. I started punishing myself by pushing them away. I reject anything they've ever given me and anything they try to give me as a way to help me. I know that I don't have to do this, but in my mind, I'm taking everything from myself before they get the satisfaction of taking it from me first. That's not healthy. Everyday it's a struggle to not let those emotions get the best of me. Sometimes they win.

So, If you're like me and you battle depression or feelings of hopelessness daily, let's try some things out so that we don't succumb to darkness so easily.

1. If you have support systems, I cannot stress enough how important it is to use them as much as possible. Talk about everything you can, especially if they are willing to listen. Anything could be a trigger. I remember not doing well in statistics in my sophomore year of college. I always knew that I was no good in math, but because I was doing badly and feeling miserable emotionally, I got super depressed and started thinking that I would never be worth anything. I know this isn't true and I know that my future career and worth in life has nothing to do with math, but darkness has a way of making things connect even when they clearly don't fit together.

2. Say five nice things to yourself everyday. They can be the same five things if you want, but try to switch  up once in awhile. You are important to at least one other person in your life, and they wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you. Pick something that you like to do and say something like "Hey, I see you sing a lot; I like your taste in music" or "Nice job at practice,I can see you're really skilled". Just things to boost yourself up. Even if you don't believe it, say it until you do. Hell, say it until it's true. Make it a goal.

3. Let yourself be helped. One of my main problems is that I'm stubborn and too independent. I won't allow others to get me out of my bad moods, encourage me, help in dire situations, or anything like that. You can't do everything alone and you don't have to. If someone wants to help you, for fuck's sake, please let them. They are obviously trying to show that they care about you. CHALLENGE: Let someone do at least two nice things for you a day. See how nice it feels to be cared about.

4. Set goals. Think of ways to distract yourself from sad thoughts. Partake in your favorite hobbies more often. Actually do your work on time. Go out and explore. Go see a movie. Set goals of progress like, "Today I'm going to finish that knitting project from two years ago" or "It's a nice day to go identify some trees by leaf" or "Today I'm going smile when someone tries to cheer me up" or even "I won't dwell on things I can't control". Just set goals for things that you can do when you're getting upset or to keep you from having the opportunity to get upset. Maybe even write them out the night before and tape them on the door. Look at them before you leave. If you need a reminder throughout the day, set little alarms or notifications to go off every few hours or however long you see fit to just remind you "Hey, you're awesome" or "Smile, because someone loves you" or even "Don't forget, there's pie at home and you have to be in a good mood to eat it or it won't taste good. Pie only tastes good when you eat it with happiness". Because it's true. Pie only tastes good with happiness... Don't judge me...

Anyway, these are just some starting points. I know you're in pain, but you have to remember that someone loves you and someone would want you to always be safe and care about yourself. When you can pick yourself up, it makes it easier for others to keep you standing tall.

Stay strong, everyone! And don't forget to check out my Youtube Channel.

I'm A Person!

Hello, hello, hello!

Long time no see everyone. I've been so busy with classes and getting ready to study abroad. I had some changes made to my life, none of them are good, but still life goes on right? Mostly... 

Anyway, let me just tell you what I will be doing, starting very soon. It has come to my attention, that little ole introverted me, actually has a lot to say about damn near everything. Who would've thought, right? Well I've decided not only to share those thoughts with you via this blog, but I'm also going to become more active on my Youtube page as well. I have a wide variety of things that I want to discuss with you. I'm sure many people can relate to the struggle of life. I want to share some problems that I'm sure I am not the only one who has to deal with. I also want to talk about coping mechanisms, things to do so that you don't stew in your feelings, and maintaining support systems if you have them.

Now, don't go thinking, he channel is all sad and full of feelings, I will also be showing some fun things. I usually just post music that I write, but I really want to connect with you all and try to help if I can. I'll have silly things to say, "every man" rants, and maybe some skits because I can't resist being silly. So come stop by. Ask me questions, share your stories, or just watch. I'll be HERE!!

Brain, Why Have You Forsaken Me?

You know what really grinds my gears? When you're in class and your professor asks if you have any questions and you don't,but the moment you leave class and are on to your next mission in life, your brain is suddenly full of insightful thoughts that would have been bomb-ass if you'd said them during class. Scumbag brain. How about not having anything at the moment to contribute to the lesson, but suddenly having ground-shaking discoveries on your way home that evening? You can't ask them next class because it'll be a new lesson and you don't want to look stupid for not having made those comments earlier (I just stuff everything in my paper if we have one due on the subject). Or, if you actually have something to contribute and it's carefully thought out but when you go to articulate it, you sound like you're relearning to speak. Gah, I hate that one the most!

Now, for me, the last one is my worst enemy. If you read my How It All Began post, then you know I am a introvert. However, I don't think that I have told you guys that I aspire the become a lawyer. I know. I am a walking contradiction, as my girlfriend likes to remind me every time there's an argument. Don't judge me...

So, for me, as an introvert I spent a good majority of my life not physically speaking to people (if I could help it). Therefore, I didn't really verbalize much until I got to college. Some of you may be thinking "How can someone go so long in life without speaking?" Trust me, it's easier than you think. I would answer question when called on, did presentations when required, hell, I even played leading roles in plays and musicals. I have performed solo songs, poetry, group performances, auditions, debate club, and mock trial. You all think I'm crazy don't you? You might think I'm crazier, when I say I do all of this with not trouble AT ALL! Like I said: walking contradiction. But let me clarify something really quickly.

Many people think that being an introvert means that you are quiet because you are shy or socially awkward (actually, you're socially awkward because you are an introvert). However, being an introvert is so much more than our silence. Most introverts tend to be more pensive, observant, and independent. This accounts for one of the reasons we don't speak much. We're probably in our own head or just quietly watching and gathering information. For some introverts, shyness accounts for their quiet demeanor. For others, they are just more content with themselves. This is not to say that they don't like people (I might be the only one like that) it's just that they know how to be alone and content, and they don't mind not being in the company of others.

 When you're an introvert, you do not spend a lot of time actually physically talking to others. When the time comes for us to actually verbalize, it can be difficult. If it's on the spot, it can be mortifying! For example, if I get called on in class, it never fails for my heart to hide behind stomach, which is trying to escape through my back. Dude, it is the worst thing ever and the reason I sit in the farthest corner of the room. I pray to the Heaven Lords that I do not get called on and zoom out of the room, like the flash, when class is over. In contrast, when It's something that I have had time to prepare, like a presentation, I exude confidence (even though my knees are furiously shaking and threatening to give out). When I am done, I sit and exhale in relief. Even though I am petrified of public speaking, I still do it and even have goals to do it professionally. (Guys I might be a masochist...) It doesn't matter how many times I do it; I still feel the same before, during, and after. I don't even socialize with people regularly. I have a few friends I talk to, and I don't even talk to them that much.

So, knowing that introverts are not really talkers and some reasons why, can you see why the last problem (mentioned in the first paragraph) irritates me? When I actually put myself out there, with no preparation, I sound ridiculous! Not speaking can be a hindrance when the time comes to actually use your voice. This, everyone, is reason I hate volunteering to speak in class: my mouth and lips do not work. My brain is like "Say this, this, and this. Don't forget to mention that. This is also very important, don't leave it out!", meanwhile my mouth is confused in trying to keep up (Oh, the pressure!). Brain slow down, so that the rest of us can catch up. Why do you hate us?

A part of me always thought that doing the different forms of public speaking would help me be more outspoken in life, but I have long ago realized that I am the way I am and I don't need to change. I'll just continue to speak when necessary because it works for me. I love everything I have ever tried and have continued with mostly everything (I didn't like the person who ran the debate club. Talk about condescending). I like to think that maybe the reason, some of my thoughts don't come out right when I speak or don't come to me until it's too late is because maybe I'm not meant to share them just yet. Maybe I should be writing them down and archiving them to be discussed at a later date. Like a cocktail party or something, when somehow we get on the topic what it's like to be a poor college student in America, with mountains of debt before we're thirty...

Dude, I'm telling you, the struggle to achieve a better life is real. There is a lot of soul selling, crying, begging for money (grants and loans), and sketchy exchanges (loans).

Well, anyway, even though I suck at it and sometimes end up feeling embarrassed by the end, I still try to speak publicly on the spot and rehearsed. I still prefer not to speak, or to be asked questions, or to just not be talked to at all (I'll write down the answer to whatever you need to know, just please don't ask me to speak)...but I am willing to try. I really like being an introvert, because it allows me to see outside of myself and past the surface of things (but don't ask me to explain in words what I'm thinking...).

Okay, guys, just be yourself. Don't try to change to fit into other people's demands. Do what works for you and be proud of it (as long as it's legal).

Shove on!

You Have 24 Hours

Have you ever had a family member call you and complain about how you never call? My sister is notorious for doing this. Last night she calls me and immediately starts going in on me about how I never call and she is always the first to call. According to her: I don't love her  and she's always checking up on me but I don't call to check on her. I see...

Now, what my dear, beloved sister fails to realize, is that am a college student and sometimes I don't even have time to breathe, let alone call and inquire about her life. I commute three hours Mon-Fri. on public transportation to and from school. That is six hours a day devoted to traveling. For five days each week, that is 30 hours of traveling. Does she realize that is basically a work week? Not to mention the four classes I take and the two jobs I work. I have at least five hours of homework and studying to do, scholarships to apply for, essays to write for scholarships, applications that need to be completed for study abroad, a Leadership program that I'm trying to get inducted into, group assignments that require constant contact, social obligations I need to keep up with, and meetings for like everything. I am barely ever home and most of my fun has to be planned out like, three weeks in advance. I hardly ever see my mother, and I actually live with her! I don't how my sister expects me to call her. Honestly, whenever I get home, I just pass out. The struggle is real.

Now I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt because she is not a college student yet and doesn't know the struggle. If she thinks that she has no free time now while she's working two jobs, she's gonna be flipping shit, when she actually starts college. The first year is always crazy because you're getting into the swing of something new.

Guys, she nagged me like an Italian mother. It was crazy. All I could do was apologize and say I'll call more. If you're a junior or senior college student (or just a college in general) you know the struggle of keeping up with everything and that certain things get forgotten, like sisters who live in other states. You just don't have enough time in the day. You can't stretch yourself too much or you'll get worn out.

I'd like to talk to my sister and check on her and catch up and all of that jazz, but it's just not feasible for me, when I have so many other pressing matters that need my attention. I appreciate that she calls and checks on me, but I don't like being reprimanded for things I can hardly control. Also when she nags, I feel like I'm going to get grounded or something. The hard truth is: there just isn't enough time in a day. I will try to pencil her in during the week for a phone call when I have free time.

Well...just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...

Until next time, guys!

The Potential of Democracy: Does it Really Work?

Question of the day: Democracy, does it work? Why or Why not?

Okay, so the dispute about what government types is the best, has probably been around as long as organized government has existed. Now, it's no surprise that the world's super powers are all under different systems of government. Just generally there is Democracy, something of a Constitutional monarchy, and Communism. The non super powers, I guess you can call them for purposes of simplicity, have varied governments. For example, Theocracy, which is probably the least popular and almost nonexistent government type. False Democracy and Dictatorships are others.

It's also no secret that the more democratic nations of the world (The United States) are accused of trying to bring democracy to other countries who do not have that government type. We all know how I feel about America and her antics (see Et Tu Brute). But this begs the question: Does Democracy really work? I'll tell you what I think from my observations in my own country and how other countries handle their rights.

Simply put, I think Democracy has potential. I think when executed in a certain way, with citizens who take it seriously and are educated about their government, Democracy can do big things. I say this because, I live in a country where a large percentage of people are not educated about their government and take their rights as citizens for granted. The right to vote being the major one. In the States, we have such a low percentage in regards to voter turn out. But I think this is quite ironic for a country of people who shout rights violation the first chance that they get, but then when it's time to let their voices be heard, they choose not to take action. Am I the only one who fails to see the logic in that?

Okay, so I am not the most politically aware person, but I am not completely ignorant either. I may not know who my state governor is (don't judge me) but I am aware of how the system works and if I want something to change I have to make my voice be heard when the time comes. I know not to sit and make uneducated complaints about how the government isn't doing its job, because I know that for the most part the government does what the people let it do. If you want better schools and your representative is not voicing your concerns properly, you have every right to protest, petition, or vote them out at the next election.

You know that phrase "Be the change you want to see"? Well, if you want something done, you gotta do it. Part of having a Democracy means, making decisions on your own behalf and having them put into action. Unjust laws can be challenged. Budget cuts that make no sense, can be challenged. It's all about asking questions and doing the research.Then, you take action!

So, for a country like mine, Democracy does not work. We take our rights for granted and many of  us remain completely uneducated about the system as a whole. Now, in countries, like Italy, I think democracy has a better chance. The people are more involved in their political system and they seem to either be more educated about their government or more aware of the difference that their vote makes (hell it might be both!). Countries like Bolivia and Spain have protested against rights violations and corrupt government. These are examples of people who go for what they want. Instead of complaining about what's not getting done or how they don't approve of the system, they went out and showed the government what they were thinking and voiced their discontent.

These countries do not have the same constitutional protections as the US, so doing this is more dangerous for them. They have corrupt governments intent on staying in power and will kill to ensure that they do so. Maybe that's why they take voting more seriously than the States. They can appreciate the benefits of a more democratic government, because they know the hardship of something more strict.

What I'm saying is: as it stands now, democracy in the US is like giving a toddler a spoon. They know what it's for and have the potential to use it properly, but they just won't. I really do not understand. Just use it! It's there for you! Men have nearly caused this country to be separated forever, just so that you wouldn't be subjugated to the whims of leaders and you're just pissing away all of their hard work! Especially you, minority groups. You of all people should be the first at the polls. You know what it's like to have to fight, on an everyday basis, against rights violations.

If the citizens of the States were actually active members of their community and participated in their government, Democracy could end up being a kick-ass system. There are many other factors that play role in whether Democracy can work, but I think it starts with the people. Therefore, I think it has potential to work, even though it's not really doing much right now.

Just some thoughts and opinions I have. I didn't give actual percentages because I hate numbers, but the research has been done. Also, I hate politics with a passion, so I'm not as involved as I should be. Don't worry I'm working on it. I prefer to look at law and policy rather than people in speeches. Actually that might be more deeply rooted in my distaste for people... Honestly if you've ever seen an US campaign commercial, they aren't very informative. It's mostly bashing their opponent. If I wanted to see someone get called out for everything they ever did wrong in life, I could just read tabloid scandals. I want to know what my representatives can do for me. Do you share my concerns? How will you be better than the last guy or how will yo ix your mistakes and avoid making them again? You know? I want a real campaign, not reality television commercials. But I digress.

Be a part of your community and government, people. Trust me, it does benefit you in the end.

Also, be on the look out for my new web series coming soon. My girlfriend and I will teach you have cheap or free fun in your community and communities abroad. Look for Community Explorations. Trust me you'll have a good time watching us and trying our suggestions.

Until next time!

The Importance of Being Earnest

I had such a wonderful moment this morning! I was waiting for the bus and I started singing this Mandarin song that I heard on 我是歌詞 (I Am a Singer). Of course I watch foreign singing shows, don't act surprised. So, I was (attempting) singing this song and I wanted to learn the rest of the lyrics, other than the one part that I really like. We all do it: belt out that one part that we know, like we wrote the song ourselves, but mumble some remixed version of the rest of the lyrics. You know who you are...

I look up the song, using the Mandarin name, in Chinese characters. Of course the results are in Chinese. I sift through, until I find the site that I usually go to for Mandopop lyrics and I clicked it. Now, since I am still only on a lower intermediate level, I usually expect to only understand, maybe, a quarter to two quarters of the song, when reading (My listening ability is terrible, so it's even less than that when I actually hear the song).

So here I am, doing my usual routine for learning song lyrics, in any language. I look at the lyrics and try to sing them, by matching them to the melody that I remember. Trust that I've listened to the song dozens of times, by this point, before I actually decided to learn the rest of the words. I'm scrolling down the lyrics, just singing away, making adjustments and trying to figure out how the parts would match up. I hit a snag with one line, where I didn't know most of the words and therefore didn't understand the line. I skip it and all of its repetitions, and continue on with the song. When I finally finish the song, I realize: I understood the entire song! (minus that one line)

The reason this is such an amazing thing for me, is because I have been studying Mandarin for almost three years and I had come to a point where I wasn't seeing any more improvement. This caused me to lose a lot of the motivation and enthusiasm I had, coming into learning the language. When I look up my favorite Mandopop songs, I'm used to only being able to read and understand a small portion of the Characters and having to whip out the dictionary that I downloaded onto my phone or the one I purchased from Barnes&Noble. I look up whole sentences sometimes. But this time, I only looked up two words and I still need to look up that one line that I skipped.

It took me until I had finished the song to realized how smoothly and easily I had gone through the song. It was like reading my own native tongue, when I look up English song lyrics. I was just amazed with myself and I suddenly realized that the whole time, where I thought I wasn't making any significant progress, I had actually been moving up quite a bit. These types of moments, are the reason I keep going on doing what I love. When you have these "aha" moments or those wonderful feelings of accomplishment and purpose, it makes it seem like the struggle and tears and numerous efforts were all well worth it. (It's even better when you can prove someone wrong.)

I was so proud of myself and that moment made me want to start up my studies again. I really needed that after my program search for studying abroad in China turned sour. (See my Et Tu Brute post) 

Guys, you gotta always do what you love. Even when things don't seem so great, or it doesn't seem like you'll ever go anywhere, just keep doing it. Trust me, the spark will return. To some people, my little reading session might not seem like such a big deal, but when you have people telling you "That's such a hard language learn", "You're gonna have a difficult time keeping up with everything" or they make fun of the language or there's someone more advanced than you showing off, that little moment is big fat middle finger going "F you guys, I CAN and WILL do this, because I am capable. Because I love it. Because I don't give a damn what you say, think, or how you feel about it, it's my choice and I choose to stick it out." Because we know our capabilities and will challenge ourselves however we see fit.

Do not let obstacles keep you from doing what you love. If you end up homeless in a box because you want to be a dancer, or take care of orphaned cats, or whatever your passion is, don't let your environment stop you. Don't let naysayers get in your head, because they do not pay any damn rent. Use your environment to motivate you. Pull whatever resources you have. Only surround yourself with supportive friends, family, or hell, even strangers! But most importantly, you have to believe in yourself, even when everything goes wrong. You are your own worst enemy and your biggest cheerleader. If you let yourself down, that's basically like letting the world down. You are your own first priority, when it comes to doing what you love.

Okay, guys, keep moving forward! 

加油!

♬You Got the Music in You♬

"Talking to you is like a musical"- 宝貝

This is how my girlfriend feels, when we have conversations. It's actually funny that she is only just mentioning this now. Anybody who knows me, is quite aware of my obsession with music and all things musical. Seriously, if all of the music in the world were to just vanish one day, my body's natural response would be to stop breathing...that's a thing. I call it: losing the will to live.

Just earlier today, as she walked me to class, we were having a conversation about some potentially racists comments I made about the names of my professors (I like my professors a lot and nothing I was saying had any malicious intent, it's just the presentation could have been cleaner) and we got on the topic of our school's civility flag.

The civility flag signifies acceptance and community within the campus. So they claim. When an act of incivility, such as racist slurs, writing rude or derogatory things on the campus white boards, etc. the flag is lowered for five business days. A campus wide email is sent, informing faculty and staff about the incident that caused the flag to be lowered and lets everyone know that we are supposed to be a community and that kind of behavior is frowned upon, and all that jazz.

Well, when we were discussing my possibly offensive speech, and I brought up the civility flag, my girlfriend is serious about the discussion and I decide that it is perfect time to break out in song.

I often do this on a daily basis whether I'm alone or not. I don't usually sing out loud in public. It's a quieter type of singing, almost of is I'm singing along to the track (But I'm clearly not, because trust me if I'm singing, I know all of the words, all of the instrumental sounds, and every back up part. It's always a solo with me. Don't try to join in my concert...). Recently I've developed an "I don't give a f***" attitude and have been singing my new flavor of the week song like I wrote it myself.

Anyway, I sing a line from one of my favorites and she comes out of nowhere with "Talking to you is like a musical". I asked how that was true and she said it's because I'm always singing, even at that moment when we were having a serious conversation. I denied it of course be that is completely and utterly--okay, fine it's true. But, I like to thing I am quite tame most of the time. Like when I'm in class. There is so much potential for and old school slow jam music video.I won't lie, guys, I see my life through the eye of a music video director. She added that I also sometimes start dancing. Now, I deny this wholeheartedly because I am the farthest thing from a dancer, so I have to believe that I do not EVER dance...

In public. My house is another, more dangerous, story. Guys, me dancing, is like watching a fish out of water. That is actually a sad image if you think about it, because they are dying... Those fish out of water are dying. So if you think that image is funny, with the fish flopping around, with wide eyes because they don't have eyelids and can't blink and can only look at you, laughing at them dying, shame on you. But essentially that's me dancing: all over the place looking at my  family laughing at me because I know that there is no hope for my rhythm coordination. Don't judge me...

My point is, my girlfriend thing I'm a walking radio and I have to agree. I'm on my way to being a music connoisseur, guys. That would be awesome, to just be able to discuss musical genres and messages within songs (not on some crazy Illuminati type of thing, just "this is symbolic of his childhood when he first thought he was in love" sort of thing). But think she feels like shes having a conversation with the radio sometimes, because I am constantly singing. I'm sorry, but I can't help. Music flows within me.

Et Tu Brute

Guys, I'm feeling a little down in the dumpies. Wah! What is life, if not but a slow torturous walk towards death?

In a perfect world, where everyone loves me, I would be given all of the money and opportunities to go abroad to the places I want to go. I would see lovely things, talk to lovely people, eat lovely food, and soak up the country's loveliness. In a perfect world... But alas, there is no such world for me. There, probably, is no such world for anyone.

Guys, why is it so easy to destroy other countries, but it's like preventing ice from melting in your hand, when you want to go visit and genuinely learn about them. All I ever wanted, ever since I was a lass, was to go to China and live amongst the natives. I wanted to learn their ways and become one of the Chinese. I know they're not primitive beings, but when your country is so nationalistic and full of itself and is only preoccupied with other western countries, the other awesome countries like China and Japan get ignored in the realm of academics or non-racist portrayals in the media. 

I never got to learn about Chinese history, Chinese culture, or my personal favorite, Chinese language. I'll tell you what I did learn: all about England, the general UK, Spain and Spaniard Spanish, Puerto Rican Spanish, all general things about Latin America, and a little bit of French and French Culture. I've learned a lot about the general European area for the most part. But what I got endless supplies of, was all things US American and I am so sick of it (I'm speaking of terms of history and some politics).

I don't care what America wants, how America feels, what America thinks, or when America needs to wipe her snotty ass nose. America is one big ass bully and I don't condone any of her actions. All of her children tend to act just like her, selfish, stuck up, and rude. Half of them act like they don't have any home training. And yet, this is where half of the world wants to be, for reasons I just cannot fathom, at times.I just really wish this country's view was not so myopic. I'm not saying other countries don't have these same characteristics, but I don't like seeing it in my own country. These characteristics are the reason other countries have such a bad perception of people from America. (movies contribute as well) No two people Are the same, in any country. 

Nobody cares that I want to go to a non-European country, so it becomes harder to find help in getting a good affordable program. However, if I was going to Europe, the people in charge of ensuring I get everything I need to get there, would be bending over backwards to help me. What is the deal with that? I have nothing against Europe, but I'm more of the "road not taken" kind of gal.

Only one person seems bent on getting me where I want to be right now, and another person is trying to impose their ideas on me. Well, that's how it seems any way. Getting a decent, cultured education is so hard these days and it makes me sad that it's easier to promote getting a new phone or tablet, but promoting a varied education with a great cultural experience is so difficult. I just thought that I'd see something different from the average societal perspective, when I came to a college that promotes academics and study abroad. All I can say to their perspective is: not you too?

Why Can't We Be Friends?

So, one struggle that I think everyone comes across at least once in their life, is trying to control their temper. I know, speaking for myself that this is not an easy task. I also think that once you get into a relationship, it becomes even more difficult, especially when the fight is over something so insignificant as a cookie...

That's right, folks. I got upset with my girlfriend over a cookie. Part of the reason is because I'm a fatass and she started eating the cookie without me (not in a dirty sense of the word cookie); part of it is because she seemed impatient and unwilling to share it with me, in the way I thought we were going to share it-even after she already ate a whole corner before we settled on a place to sit; and part of it is because she didn't seem to care about my perspective on her cookie eating.

Okay, so it sounds like I'm completely blaming her for eating a cookie, but guys I thought we would share that moment of bliss when we would both take that first bite, while gazing lovingly into each others' eyes and make the decision as to whether this campus cafe cookie was worth its overpricing. *_*

But that didn't happen because she took the liberty of eating the cookie without me! She didn't even offer to feed me (as my hands were full) while we looked for a nice place to sit. ...cunt... So you all may be wondering what the big deal is, so I'll give you the run down of how it all happened:

Me: Baby, allow me to treat you to a cup of coffee, because I love you. Just let me put my things away first.

宝貝: Sure, I guess I'll have some coffee.

We put things we don't need away and proceed to the cafe joking and being goofballs. Once at the cafe:

Me: Go ahead and order. I kinda want that brownie, cookie looking thing. *to 宝貝* Do you wanna share that cookie, brownie looking thing with me, my darling angel?

宝貝: Umm, yea, sure.

We get the cookie, fix up our coffees and look for a place to enjoy everything. For some reason, the building we were in was so super crowded, so we finally made our way to the second floor, where I discovered the betrayal! She made it seem like she was nibbling, but it was obviously a normal bite. She takes huge bites, but this was a normal person bite. In retrospect, it might have been nibbling for her, but to me this was ultimate betrayal. I mean how could she, you know? We were supposed to to share that moment together. Nevertheless, I let it go. We moved to better seating on the third floor because the chairs, where we were sitting, sucked.

So now we're on the third floor, much more comfortable. We're taking turns biting the cookie, when she says "Can you just break it in half?" Not a big deal, right? I agree. However, I had only had a few bites, while she had been eating the cookie since we purchased it. Plus, the annoyance in her voice was undeniable. I was shocked. All I could think was "But, my darling, I love you. Don't you want to enjoy this moment together?" Instead, what I said was "Are you serious right now?" In the end I threw the cookie on her bag, (we fought about that) and hurried her off to class. It wasn't that serious, but meh.

Quite honestly, I was just mad that she had the first bite. I wanted the first bite... Petty? So what? The cookie wasn't really that good, which is why I didn't mind giving her the rest and I didn't miss it, when it was gone. Oh well. I'll talk to her later and apologize.

So moral of the story, it's only a cookie and we girls get very emotional about our cookies ;) No, I'm kidding about that part. Seriously though, we all need to know when to pick our battles. That's something I struggle with everyday. The story was a bit exaggerated (or a lot). The conversation was a lot more casual and she wasn't that nonchalant--even though she normally is--and I wasn't that sweet and innocent sounding. I'm still working on controlling my temper, especially, when I'm dealing with someone I care about and whose feeling I don't wanna hurt. It's hard because I am not a very caring person towards other people, but she is the love of my life and I'm willing to work on this for the both of us.

Stay strong, everyone. Until next time!

One of Those Days

Dead inside.

The feeling of being alone forever.

Cold. Still.

Only the empty hollow, of what was once a heart. 

Now it is a shell, A cavity void of life or vitality.

It is as unwanted as the body that onced lived and housed it.

Alone.

Having tried to muster up the courage to reveal a scary truth, only to have the truth meet with an ugly reality.

In light of these details, one would be a fool not to feel alone.

Yet, holding out hope seems plausible. It seems right.

But when beating one's head against the wall repeatedly does nothing but cause more suffering, what is left to do?

Walls cannot be broken down so easily, this is obvious, but when the other refuses to give one the chance to try and reveal the person one truly sees within the other, who gains?

No one.

Everyone loses.

Everyone suffers.

Everyone is hiding for fear of hurting and no one wants to hurt, but sometimes, in order to be happy a little vulnerability is necessary.

A little sacrifice is needed.

A little openess...

A little more effort...

Just a little hope...

When one thinks about the other, one holds back tears...

One cannot cry because one is physically incapable of showing any kind of sadness.

No matter how much one is hurting, the tears will never come.

They will never leave salty streams down one's cheeks nor will they leave the infamous dry shadows that reaveal to outsiders the pains suffered and released.

Never.

However, one tries.

One tries so hard to make the other see what one wants and how much one really cares.

The only thing that the other can see is how terrible the other believes the other's self to be.

One will not believe this self perception because one knows better...

One knows better.

One knows that one's desires may be selfish and that one should respect the wishes of the other, but when emotions are so strong that fighting them would be futile, one cannot just let go.

One knows better.

Suffering. 

Quietly.

Trying not to reveal the aches that stress and repulse...

Unable to fully hide these feeling, always wearing everything on the sleeve.

Disappointed.

In one's self...

For feeling...

For showing it...

For revealing it...

For all of the above, when the one's gut knew that no happy ending existed.

No happy ending existed...

One wants it all, but is scared to go for it...

One sits in one's own self pity...

In one's own grief...

In one's own sadness...

Hating one's self for thinking one is not good enough.

For thinking it is all one's fault...

For being selfish...

Picking.

Picking at every minute detail and watching it grow into a giant festering nothing.

Because one cannot be happy...

One doesn't deserve it...

Secrets.

All of one's secrets...

One has shared with the other...the other still doesn't see...

One wants the other's trust and therefore has revealed some of one's darkest pains in the idea of trusting the other...

No.

One knows that walls cannot be broken down overnight...

One knows...

So, one sits.

One wallows.

One knows that the other does not truly understand the deep impact of rejection on one.

The other does not realize the self-esteem of one is directly impacted by those one truly cares for...

One can never admit how one really feels.

One does not want to make the other feel bad...

Feel guilty...

Everything one does, says, goes through, is one's personal problem.

Through no fault of the other does one feel the way one feels.

Without.

Nothing to encourage nor inspire.

Down.

Not coming up and not wanting to...

One just wants to sink into nothingness,

To be consumed by one's own feelings of despair.

One wants to let go.

Without...

The other...

One knows...

One will forever be...

Without.

Guys I have really bad days sometimes, and every thought just comes out morbid. I'm working on it, but geez, sometimes I just wanna curl up with a nice, big, delicious, piece of pie. Yes, I said pie. If you don't like pie, you're obviously an alien...

Tornado

Tornado，

你 好！ 好 久 不 见。 最近 怎么样？

这 个 学 期 我 不 太 忙。

我 上 五 门 课， 不过作业不多。另外，为了学习中文， 我还改换了我的专业。因为它比较有意思。在我的新专业中，我可以用到中文。我中文说得不是很好，而且也说得很慢。不过我写得倒是挺快的，因为写起来比较容易的。我 喜欢 学习 中文， 可是 有的 时候 它 很 难。我喜欢学中文，但有时候觉得它很难。我 现在 在 我 的 学校 工作。我喜欢我的学校，相信你也会喜欢它的。

This was me telling my cat about college, when I was a freshman. I don't have alot of friends, okay? I don't need your judgement...

Em Português

Eu vou nunca confesso,

Que eu sou doente.

Isso vai fazer real,

Isso abre o porta por injuria.

O sentimentos esse eu permito acumular,

Eles sai correm.

Eles se libertam.

Eu recuso permitir isso acontecer.

Eu vou nunca confesso,

Que eu sou doente.

Como posso com franqueza dizer,

Eu tenho um condição.

Com quem posso dividir,

Minha o alteração em estabili de mental.

Minha recém-descoberta medo duma vida.

Eu não posso dizer alguém, eu estou machuando.

Eu nunca posso dizer alguém,

O que eu necessito um aquecer abracer.

Isto dar a impressão de sou para que em necessito.

Eu não  sou solitario.

Ele dar a impressão de sou para que em assustado.

Ninguém devia sabem.

Ninguém devia vem.

Eu necessito levantar se em minha próprio.

Eu nunca posso dizem alguém,

Aquilo que eu estou realmente sentindo.

Para que minha doeçe me,

E ele dói.

O que sinceramente, eles assuta me,

Eu deve està escondido tudo vou atravès.

Tudo que sinto nunca pode ser dito.

Eu nunca posso dizer alguém.

Eu vou nunca confesso.

Porém eu estou despejando me alma sai a você.

Quando o universo busca o equilíbrio.

Sacrifícios devem ser feitos.

Temo por nossa fundação.

São os sacrifícios vale a pena?

Se tudo deve desintegrar-se antes de atingir o nível final …

Nunca saberemos se há justificativa para o que foi sacrificado ...

Quando o universo busca achar harmonia,

Quem vai vir sai ilseo?

Não homem ou animal ser isento de o equilíbrio.

Cicantrizes serem inevitável, mas força vai determina profundidade.

Eu temo minha força està não bastante continuar em...

O perda ser nunca limitado onde equilibrio obrigatorìo ser ser tido.

Slackers Anonymous

So, I'm a slacker, who has too many hobbies. Yes, guys that's a thing. We slackers know what it's like to half-ass our work. Currently, I am slacking on my language studies. Bad Passóne, shame on you!

I know, I know, but I've lost my motivation. Have you ever just lost to the will to do something you love? I love a lot of things and can never really keep up with everything that I try to do. I leave novels unfinished, knitting half knitted, songs unrecorded, and languages unfluencied...? Okay, that's not a word, but I didn't wanna break the flow. Don't judge me...

My point is, I'm essentially doing everything and yet still nothing at all. It's hard to kinda get out of a funk, when you don't really know why you lost your motivation to begin with. Honestly, I might not even finish this blog... I am so full of conflicting emotions that when I do eventually get back to enjoying my hobbies, I suddenly have a truck load of reasons why it's not good enough. Who will read my novel, wear my scarf, like my song, or speak in Chinese with me? At the same time, I'm like "Maybe someone will find a spark in it all, and if not, I'll be happy that I finally completed something". When I get these feelings, I get so charged and motivated to finish everything that I ever started in life, for about one week and the the spark is gone again... *Sigh* It doesn't help that I am a perfectionist. For all of my fellow perfectionist, you know that when something is not exactly how you want it to be, you won't even let the ghosts see it until it is.

My thinking also gets pretty crazy, when I have a swirl of ideas. I want to include everything and I know how I want it included, but my hands just do not move quickly enough. As a result, some of what I believe to be great ideas, get lost forever.

I wonder what it's like for an idea to get lost forever. Do they go to some dark abyss in the back of our minds, never to be seen or herd from again? I wonder if they get sad, like little orphaned kittens... Awwww, that's so sad~~ Come back little ideas!

Ahem. Back to the subject at hand.

Part of me knows I could be trying a little harder to keep up with my hobbies, but then at that point it just comes down to laziness, we all know how that ends. Can I just mention how I only get super awesome ideas the month before school starts and then I never finish anything I start, once school begins. Maybe school is killing my mojo! *GASP* School is the murderous culprit and I can't let it get away with this! Guys, I clearly have to drop out of school in order to pursue happiness. It's all so clear to me now...

No, I'm kidding. I actually really love school and learning, and I have other career plans, which is why I suffer through boring lectures and group assignments everyday. Look for my politics rant, coming soon.

Okay, that was a random tangent...So clearly, I'm crazy.

Anyway, why am I telling you all of this? I am telling to because I love Chinese, and I think I finally found the spark that will get me motivated to start studying Mandarin again. Actually, my girlfriend was going through the same thing with her studies in Japanese. We are trying to study abroad and that has motivated us to get back in the habit of hardcore language study. I have been slacking so much in Mandarin that in order for me to be placed properly, when I do go abroad, I really need to review what I have already learned in the past and may learn something new while I am at it. It would suck if I were to be placed in beginners classes when I am on the intermediate level. Anybody, who has ever had to hear the same lesson over and over, knows how it feels to be bored in a class like that. Anyways, onward and upward! I gotta stop slacking, or I'll be the one to suffer in the end.

再見!